It’s almost that time of the year when your co-worker/college buddy/wife? starts up a fantasy football league on Yahoo or ESPN (preferably Yahoo for numerous reasons) and sends you an e-mail inviting you to join. If all three of those people send you e-mails for different leagues, you might rock-paper-scissors (or be a whipped bitch and go with your wife’s league, which includes your 11-year-old son and mother-in-law probably) to choose one league to focus on and try to win it all. The problem is, you are not applying yourself enough by just being in one league. There are ways to do well in more than one fantasy league at the same time. I know, crazy. I’ll give you some of the basics to humiliate two different groups of people. You might have just learned your state capitals, Hunter in sixth grade, but you don’t know SHIT about drafting a second wide receiver!
My simple guide to helping you comes in an acronym that wasn’t thought out at all: SIVW. Schedule, Incentive, Variety, Win! The reason it’s like that is because that’s the order I thought of these tips. Fuck you.
Between your time of going to work to spend the day clicking on Keyboard Cat videos and picking your nose, there exists a small sliver of time where you go to the bathroom. Change this, and stop picking your nose, you’ll make it bleed. Rearrange your incredibly busy schedule to designate no more than half an hour to your fantasy team. It shouldn’t take half an hour to pick up a running back on a streak or a wide receiver to replace an injured one from the waivers, but give yourself a little cushion of time. Do this for each team you have. It doesn’t have to be on the same day, but try to make it near the beginning of the week, especially later in the season when Thursday games occur. Shoot for Tuesday morning to Wednesday night as a space to plan.
If you’re not playing in a league for money (which I don’t because I’m poor.. send me money and I’ll play in your league! Okay, end of begging), people tend to forget about their teams slowly. To them, there isn’t really a point if there’s no prize. This happens incredibly often with fantasy baseball and basketball due to their longer seasons.
Side rant: Here’s a hint to win fantasy basketball: pick Lebron James. That’s it. Seriously, I played fantasy basketball for the first time this year, and I drafted second. The dude before me got Chris Paul, which wasn’t stupid by any means, so I just took James. End of the season rolls around, I’m second in the standings out of 8 people. I did pay some attention to my team throughout the season, but seriously, Lebron James is a beast, as we all know. Kobe’s a good pick too, but James gets a varied amount of stats that Kobe doesn’t always have, like assists and blocks.
End of side rant
To make your league more interesting, set up a non-monetary bet for the end of the season. First Place gets to have sex with Last Place’s girlfriend, or if Last Place is a girl, First Place gets to have sex with her. You were stupid for drafting Matt Cassel in the first round “because he’s cute,” Last Place. Now you pay carnally.
A less adulterous bet would work too. Last Place buys First Place dinner, Second-to-Last Place buys Second Place a child-size Rae Carruth jersey or something equally tasteless… the possibilities are endless. Replica jerseys of terrible/arrested players and horrendous throwback hats at Olympia Sports (points for the hat being covered in felt) are two very good ways to give a memorable gift.
I haven’t talked to enough people to confirm this, but just in case it is happening: please don’t have almost exact drafted players in all of your leagues. Why? What’s the point of having more than one league if you’re going to use the same team? Yeah, the opponents might be different, but if an injury occurs, that affects every team you have. Also, the same drafts in multiple leagues decreases the interest of following them. Various drafts call for more excitement, and a better chance of success. Join one PPR (points per reception) league and one non-PPR league. Try IDP (individual defensive player) leagues (they’re not my cup of tea, but you might like them). Gain experience in different leagues. You’re not losing anything by trying different styles and seeing which one you enjoy the most.
Pretty straightforward.. win, but also have fun. It’s fantasy baseball, and you probably don’t have money on it, so just enjoy it. Bragging rights are a valuable currency in fantasy leagues, and making funny team names (like Donte’ Stallworth’s Bar and Grill) is a great past-time. Just don’t draft a wide receiver in the first round and no one will hate you.