Sometimes I get sick of typing out FOOTBALLDAY, especially if I’m trying to explain it to someone in an email or such. It makes me look like an idiot, but fuck it. IF YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT FOOTBALLDAY, WHY ARE YOU READING?
It’s starting to set in. Three weeks seems like it’s enough of a sample of your team’s season to analyze and decide whether or not you’re going to give up. If your team is 0-3, Titans and Panthers fans, you might be disheartened by the fact that only 3 teams since 1990 have made the playoffs after an 0-3 start, a stat that ESPN is gleefully throwing around in everyone’s face.
It might not be the team you root for. Your fantasy team might be having a terrible start, but there are still plenty of games to play in the season. Don’t give up. Keep rooting for you team, and if worse comes to worse, root for the teams you hate to implode and collectively tear their ACLs.
Your song for this week is by Muse, and it’s a live version at Wembley Stadium. Very epic, but I don’t really like anything else I’ve heard by Muse. I have one of their albums (yes, I called it an album) and it’s boring. Plus, I heard that Muse fans are pussies.
You guys were probably wondering where the fun thing of the week was for you last week, right? What’s that, you didn’t notice? Well, if you did, I just didn’t feel like it, and for complaining about it, you get nothing. Suck it.
Last week’s prediction’s were my best so far this season, getting only 3 games wrong, and one of them was because I never made a prediction. Stupid mistake by me. Also, fuck Brett Favre for ruining another one of my picks. I could have potentially gone 15-1, just like the Cincinnati Bengals should potentially be 3-0. The potential for a team is a stupid argument and shouldn’t be used unless you’re on Around The Horn. Reali gives maddd points for that.
Past Week Predictions
Week 1: 12-4
Week 2: 9-7
Week 3: 13-3
Alright, here are the picks. As always, games are in EST.
Baltimore Ravens at New England Patriots, 1:00 PM
Let’s hope for Joe Flacco tripping when he gets off of the bus! This is a stupid pick for me, because the Ravens have been incredibly dominant so far, but fuck it. You never root against your team. Never.
New England over Baltimore
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Washington Redskins, 1:00 PM
I will call it right now: if the Redskins lose to the Buccaneers, Jim Zorn will get canned. Losing to the Lions was enough to put him on the edge, but if Washington loses to another winless team, he’ll be sipping wine somewhere else.
Washington over Tampa Bay
Tennessee Titans at Jacksonville Jaguars, 1:00 PM
The Titans just want to win games and get back to last year. Well, don’t rely on fucking Kerry Collins and make him throw 13 incompletions in a row. You have Chris Johnson, one of the fastest running backs in the league right now, and LenDale White, who is now in great shape. SMASH AND DASH. IT’S NOT HARD.
Tennessee over Jacksonville
Oakland Raiders at Houston Texans, 1:00 PM
At the end of last season, Houston blew this entirely winnable game and ended their season with a huge fuck-up. If it happens this year, Gary Kubiak might lose his job. I’m still hoping for my Texans prediction of making the playoffs to come true, and for Steve Slaton not to be a fucking asshole anymore and actually run well. Don’t fuck up, Texans.
Houston over Oakland
Detroit Lions at Chicago Bears, 1:00 PM
I was one of the many ballsy people to call Detroit winning last week! Sweet! I was thisclose to choosing the Lions as my suicide pick, and that would have let me save my pick of Baltimore for later on this season, but I’m over it. See my Detroit Lions post from earlier this week if you want to see the Lions picks for the rest of the season. This week is a no.
Chicago over Detroit
Cincinnati Bengals at Cleveland Browns, 1:00 PM
Remember at the end of this video, Cleveland, when you said “At least we’re not Detroit!”? Well, you’re right. In the NFL, you’re worse than Detroit. They won a fucking game. You’ve got shit. You have one offensive touchdown in the last 8 games. Your level of failure is unbelievably depressing. I want to make fun of the Bengals again, Cleveland. Let me do that.
You know why I think the Browns are doing so poorly? It’s probably because of that Cleveland Show. You know, the bullshit spinoff of Family Guy where Cleveland Brown (yes, that’s his name) gets his own show. It’s at that level of racism where it tries to be over the top, but does it so uncomfortably that it’s viewed as plain racism. It’s stupid, and I don’t like it at all. If American Dad takes reject scripts from Family Guy, the Cleveland Show takes reject scripts from a homeless man from the Flats. Cancel the Cleveland Show and the Browns might win a game. Maybe.
By the way, here’s the shameless plug of the week for something that I didn’t do: go to Cleveland Frowns. They know that part of Ohio so much better than I do.
Cincinnati over Cleveland
Seattle Seahawks at Indianapolis Colts, 1:00 PM
The Colts at home against Seneca Wallace and Olindo Mare, who can’t make two pretty routine field goal kicks? Yeah, alright.
Indianapolis over Seattle
New York Giants at Kansas City Chiefs, 1:00 PM
This is my suicide pick of the week, but since I didn’t start doing suicide picks until right now, you probably already used the Giants. I’m just going to tell you who I’m choosing if you haven’t used them yet. It should be a routine game where the Chiefs get crushed.
New York over Kansas City
New York Jets at New Orleans Saints, 4:05 PM
Two 3-0 teams with great offenses. The Saints defense is pretty mediocre, though. I’m going to give this to the Jets, as much as I don’t want to, because New Orleans had some trouble with the Buffalo Bills last week until the end.
New York over New Orleans
Buffalo Bills at Miami Dolphins, 4:05 PM
With the loss of Chad Pennington, the Dolphins are going to experiment the fuck out of everything, or at least I think so. They picked up Tyler Thigpen, and they have Chad Henne, but it seems like they’ll go with Henne. I hope not. Thigpen is very capable. Marshawn Lynch is back for the Bills, so look for some experimenting of their own as they try to split carries between him and Fred Jackson.
Buffalo over Miami
Dallas Cowboys at Denver Broncos, 4:05 PM
This is supposedly the game that will show if the Broncos are “the real deal” or not. The Cowboys aren’t that great either, and when do you go from saying a 3-0 team had easy wins to a 3-0 team is actually good? I understand their opponents weren’t tough, going a combined 3-6 this year, but… wait. I don’t have an argument anymore. I’ll give this to the Broncos, but the Cowboys won’t give it to them easily.
Denver over Dallas
St. Louis Rams at San Francisco 49ers, 4:05 PM
Ugh, my San Francisco prediction was so close to being right, and then Brett Favre had to go and fuck it all up. The 49ers are still a very good team, and have a very good possibility of making the playoffs, and even winning the division if the Arizona Cardinals keep playing like they are. I see this as a relatively easy division win.
San Francisco over St. Louis
San Diego Chargers at Pittsburgh Steelers, 8:20 PM
Another shameless plug: I’m doing a live-blog of this game starting probably 5 minutes before the game does, so stop by. Some cool dudes will be here from other blogs. That being said, I live for Pennsylvania failure, but I grudgingly give this game to them. The Chargers, on the road, with lots of injuries, and basically no real defense.
Steelers over Chargers
Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings, 8:30 PM
There is going to be a media shit-storm if Brett Favre doesn’t win this game. Hopefully the Packers won’t let him, because they’ve got a really good secondary this year. It might end up being the Adrian Peterson Show because of Green Bay’s weaker run defense. People are making fun of how much ESPN is exaggerating this game, which is true, because ESPN would exaggerate a Little League World Series if they could milk some catch-phrases out of it, but this really is going to be a good game, and I’m glad it’s on Monday night so I can devote attention to it. Seriously, watch this game. The second time they meet won’t be as good.
Minnesota over Green Bay