I Want to Coach Your Team

A few weeks back, Samer and I were talking excitedly about some of the potential firings in professional and college football.  Then, a great idea struck:  Take my accomplishments on a video game, send them to colleges and pro teams who fire their coaches to see what kind of reaction we could get from them.  Plus, most of these teams are so bad, I actually might be able to coach them.

My first attempt came at the University of Memphis’ expense.  Mired in a terrible season, I readily inquired about their new head coach vacancy, sending them the following email.

It has recently come to my attention that the position of Head Coach of the Memphis Tigers has become available. I am extremely interested in filling this job, and feel that I am the most worthy candidate for it. I have a wealth of experience, most recently as the Head Coach at Central Michigan University, where we experienced unparalleled success both on the field, and in the classroom. Below is a list of the accomplishments that we achieved as a
program during my tenure at CMU.

- Three Straight Mid American Conference West Division Titles (2004-2006)
- Three Consecutive Mid American Conference Championship Game Victories
(2004-2006)
- 3 Consecutive Bowl Games (2004 Motor City Bowl, 2005 Orange Bowl, 2006,
Fiesta Bowl)
- National Coach of the Year honors in 2005.
- The #1 Ranked Defense in Division 1 NCAA Football (2005-2006)
- A Heisman Trophy Runner-Up
- An overall record of 35-4, Including undefeated seasons in 2005 and 2006
- Undefeated in three seasons of conference play
- The #2 ranked recruiting class in 2005

As you can see, I have an amazing history of success, and am fully ready to take over this great university. I believe wholeheartedly that I am the best candidate, and should be hired immediately, so I can make my imprint on this team as soon as possible.

I believe in running a firm program, one built on a strong, aggressive defense that will feature relentless pressure. I would prefer to run a 4-3 defense when I am hired. I will bring a wide open offense, full of deep passes, and a utilization of a teams speed. I am completely confident that I can bring this proud university back to the same level of success that it has experienced in the past, and am confident I can take this team to the next level, leading to many future bowl game berths.

I appreciate your time very much, and am confident that you, and the rest of the university will make the right decision, and hire me to coach this football team.

Sincerely,

Ron Balaskovitz
Head Coach, Central Michigan University

I waited a couple days, and sure enough, I was able to get a response out of the AD at Memphis, R.C. Johnson, who had the following to say:

Thank you for your note and information. We are reviewing and thank you for your interest.

R. c. Johnson
Athletic Director
University of Memphis

To me the most shocking thing about this email isn’t merely the fact that he responded, but that fact that he didn’t even know how to properly capitalize his own initials.

Now that I had my foot in the door, I knew that I needed to act quickly if I was going to have any real shot at getting the job.  I responded to the email Johnson sent me with this follow up:

Thank you very much for your interest in me.  If you would like, I am available at anytime over the course of the next two weeks.  So if you would like me to potentially fly down to Memphis for an interview, I am readily available, and would not hesitate to come meet with you and the rest of your staff.

As you can guess, I am yet to hear back from them, but I do have the AD’s phone number, and feel a follow-up call is necessary.

I sent a similar email to the Buffalo Bills, but have not heard back from them yet.

Hopefully this is the first in a series of these attempts at getting a head coaching position.  Updates, and new posts about this to come as soon as I hear back from a few other universities and NFL teams.

About these ads