Welcome to this week’s FOOTBALLDAY. The Patriots (barely) won last week, so I get to keep writing this glorious post. Please, suppress your enthusiasm. Ladies, keep your shirts on. Mixing your personal life in a sports blog is almost always a really stupid combination, but I’m just going to take this moment to ask you to excuse the sparse content this week, as I am a college student and I have finals and awesome 8-page papers to write. Just deal with it for this week and I’ll make it up to you next week, and probably for a couple more weeks after that. I’ve got about a month off until going back to school after this week, so my days will consist of hopefully writing a lot of stuff for SSF, touching myself, and crying. I’ll try to fit in seeing a couple movies, playing N64, and drinking awkwardly at home in that too.
Here’s your song for this week, and if you weren’t warned by the title of this post, look out, here’s some Boyoyo Boys coming your way! There is no possible way to listen to this and not want to dance. I’m pretty sure they’re from South Africa, so all you music snobs take note and throw out their name if you’re in some kind of obscure band fight. Their name is also really fun to say. Boyoyo. Boyoyo. Boyoyo. Alright, that’s enough. If you say it three times fast in a mirror, some funky bass lines will start playing and you’ll have the urge to buy a fluorescent windbreaker. Take my word for it.
Past Week Predictions
Week 1: 12-4
Week 2: 9-7
Week 3: 13-3
Week 4: 11-3
Week 5: 10-4
Week 6: 10-4
Week 7: 9-4
Week 8: 8-5
Week 9: 6-7
Week 10: 10-5
Week 11: 11-5
Week 12: 13-3
Week 13: 7-9
Week 14: 10-6
Not a bad week, although a couple of the games were very easy to predict. Anyway, here are the picks, with a special pick for the Saturday game!
Dallas Cowboys at New Orleans Saints, 8:20 PM
I won’t be watching this game, since I’ll be back home and I don’t get the NFL Network, but I don’t really have any rooting interest in either team. Let’s cut the bullshit here: there’s no logical reason I should choose against a team that hasn’t been beaten yet. If you pick the undefeated team, no one will question you. This is a scenario very reminiscent of Belichick’s 4th-and-2 against the Colts, because if he punted and Manning scored, no one would question his decisions, but instead just question the Patriots defense. Wow, that was a repressed tangent, huh? Alright, fuck it, the Cowboys are shitty in December and on the road.
New Orleans over Dallas
New England Patriots at Buffalo Bills, 1:00 PM
The Patriots are horrible on the road this season, but there’s no way they lose to the Bills in a time like this. I’m sorry, I just honestly believe that. Fred Jackson and Marshawn Lynch are the only strengths for the Bills, and the Patriots have a decent run defense that can take care of them.
New England over Buffalo
Arizona Cardinals at Detroit Lions, 1:00 PM
The Cardinals are probably pissed, so they’ll try to regain their status in the incredibly tough NFC West division and get themselves to the playoffs.
Arizona over Detroit
Miami Dolphins at Tennessee Titans, 1:00 PM
Two teams still contending for possible wild-card spots, but it seems like they both have very slim chances. As a football fan, you really have to be impressed by the Titans’ turnaround with Vince Young. He looks legitimate, but let’s give him another year. If he repeats this success, he’s almost worth fantasy consideration!
Tennessee over Miami
Cleveland Browns at Kansas City Chiefs, 1:00 PM
I believe in Cleveland. After what I saw last week against Pittsburgh, they definitely have talent. It’s only in one player, however, and his name’s Joshua Cribbs. From now on, whenever I mention Joshua Cribbs’ name, I’ll yell at the Browns to give that guy an extension for however long and however much he wants. I will not stop until he gets it. I predict that any points scored in this game will involve Cribbs. Even the kicks. I bet he can kick well too. You know why? Because he’s Joshua Cribbs. Also, vote for that dude in the Pro Bowl. Vote in the Pro Bowl in general. I like to think of my readers as intelligent football fans, so the Pro Bowl needs you to counter all those stupid voters that just check every name on their team. Seriously, don’t let the NFL take it away from the fans. It’s fun.
Cleveland over Kansas City
Houston Texans at St. Louis Rams, 1:00 PM
Boy, that was a long rant for that last pick. To make it up to you, I’ll just stop typing for this one.
Houston over St. Louis
Atlanta Falcons at New York Jets, 1:00 PM
Fun fact: although everyone is bemoaning the Patriots and their 1-5 road record, a couple other teams contending for the playoffs have horrible road records as well. Take the Falcons, for example. I don’t think they’ll have a chance in this game, with Matt Ryan and Michael Turner being day-to-day. Besides, playing in the Meadowlands is a bitch and a half.
New York over Atlanta
San Francisco 49ers at Philadelphia Eagles, 4:15 PM
The 49ers are another team with a 1-5 road record, and although they “upset” Arizona last week, the Eagles are not the Cardinals. They are more balanced and won’t turn the ball over seven times.
Philadelphia over San Francisco
Chicago Bears at Baltimore Ravens, 4:15 PM
A quick Simmons impression for a second: the ESPN “inLine” has this game as a Pick ‘Em. Really? Have you seen the Ravens defense? Have you seen Jay Cutler’s ineptitude? At least Ravens +3. Another note: don’t follow ESPN “inLine.”
Baltimore over Chicago
Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos, 4:05 PM
Charlie Frye’s starting? LONG LIVE THE POLISH RIFLE
Denver over Oakland
Cincinnati Bengals at San Diego Chargers, 4:05 PM
I say the Bengals come in here and fuck everything up for the Chargers at home, and I’ll explain why. Cincinnati this season has been a team that has had its success fueled with skill obviously, but also with emotion. The Bengals before were called a bunch of criminals that squeaked by with a terrible record. Everyone was amazed at how Marvin Lewis could keep his head coaching job in a state of stagnancy. This year, this team has been completely different. With the recent accident that took Chris Henry’s life, Cincinnati will keep him in their minds while playing, and that will make them play so much harder. Earlier this season defense coordinator Mike Zimmer found his wife dead and then later that week, went out to coach for the Bengals. They ended up toppling the Ravens 17-14. This team is a dangerous, dangerous entity, and don’t take them lightly.
Cincinnati over San Diego
Green Bay Packers at Pittsburgh Steelers, 4:15 PM
Wheeee! I’m having so much fun on the Steelers’ slide! The Packers want it more.
Green Bay over Pittsburgh
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Seattle Seahawks, 4:15 PM
Blech. Give it to the Seahawks.
Seattle over Tampa Bay
Minnesota Vikings at Carolina Panthers, 8:20 PM
Gunslinger vs. Guy That’s Replacing A Different Gunslinger?
Minnesota over Carolina
New York Giants at Washington Redskins, 8:30 PM
I wrote a lot this week. I’m too lazy to explain this pick. What an anti-climatic ending, huh?
New York over Washington