Welcome to this week of FOOTBALLDAY, written in a politically correct way! Just kidding, I wasn’t sure so I decided to just make a blanket statement for the title. Don’t cry about it.
Here’s your holiday-themed song for the week from Ludacris, cleverly called “Ludacrismas.” LUDA! Hey, it was either this or “Christmas Tree” by Lady Gaga, but I didn’t want to kill off my readership.
As an added Christmas bonus, I bring you “Jingle Bell Rock,” done by our very own writer Rovitz and his band called Mining In Afghanistan. The Facebook group is here if you’re a fan of this reinterpretation. They’ve made a whole album of redone holiday songs. My personal favorite is “Feliz Navidad.”
Past Week Predictions
Week 1: 12-4
Week 2: 9-7
Week 3: 13-3
Week 4: 11-3
Week 5: 10-4
Week 6: 10-4
Week 7: 9-4
Week 8: 8-5
Week 9: 6-7
Week 10: 10-5
Week 11: 11-5
Week 12: 13-3
Week 13: 7-9
Week 14: 10-6
Week 15: 9-7
Fuck the Steelers for ruining my pick record with their final touchdown as time expired. I would write a whole rant about the fourth quarter of that game, but I’ll condense it quickly for now: if Mike Tomlin had lost the game after attempting that onside kick while Pittsburgh had a two-point lead, you would have heard everyone call him a terrible coach and question everything he does. The whole fiasco that happened when Belichick went for it on 4th-and-2 against the Colts earlier this season would have repeated itself. What I don’t understand is that when that situation happened with the Patriots, Belichick was accused of not having confidence in his defense. The Steelers, even without Troy Polamalu, have a much more solid defense than New England, and they are very capable of stands and halting offenses. In the end, however, the Steelers won, but they really shouldn’t have for numerous reasons.
Here are the picks, games are in EST.
San Diego Chargers at Tennessee Titans, 7:30 PM
This sounds like a pretty good game for Christmas, and then you realize it’s on the NFL Network. Classy move, dickheads. I keep going against the Chargers in December, which is pretty foolish, so I’ll give them the win in this one. Can I just repeat for maybe the last time that the Titans have gone from 0-6 to 7-7?? Is that only astounding to me?
San Diego over Tennessee
Oakland Raiders at Cleveland Browns, 1:00 PM
Holy shit, the Browns have a winning streak for the first time in… a while? (Not going to look it up) I say they extend it to three since they’re at home, even if the Raiders did upset the Broncos last week. All of Oakland’s QBs are banged up now except possibly J.P. Losman, and Jerome Harrison should tear through their defense.
Cleveland over Oakland
Jacksonville Jaguars at New England Patriots, 1:00 PM
Patriots are 7-0 at home. This is the only way they’ll get to the playoffs.
New England over Jacksonville
Buffalo Bills at Atlanta Falcons, 1:00 PM
The Falcons really might not have a winning record two years in a row. This is hilarious and crazy at the same time. Brian Brohm might have to start for the Bills due to injury, however, so the Falcons can win this one.
Atlanta over Buffalo
Kansas City Chiefs at Cincinnati Bengals, 1:00 PM
No explanation necessary. A nice suicide pick if anyone’s made it this far.
Cincinnati over Kansas City
Seattle Seahawks at Green Bay Packers, 1:00 PM
The Seahawks lost to the Buccaneers last week. Do you really think the Packers will have a problem with them at Lambeau?
Green Bay over Seattle
Houston Texans at Miami Dolphins, 1:00 PM
Half of one of my fantasy teams consists of players from both of these teams. It should be a game with plenty of points, but I say the Texans eke it out.
Houston over Miami
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at New Orleans Saints, 1:00 PM
I really don’t have anything valuable to say about this game.
New Orleans over Tampa Bay
Carolina Panthers at New York Giants, 1:00 PM
I tried to think of a good argument to give this game to the Panthers, but after seeing what the Giants did on Monday night, I really can’t.
New York over Carolina
Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers, 1:00 PM
Isn’t it funny that the Ravens and Steelers are scrambling for a wild-card spot this season, while the Bengals have a small lead over them at the top? Crazy. I don’t think Ben Roethlisberger’s last-second antics will get the Steelers a win this week, though.
Baltimore over Pittsburgh
St. Louis Rams at Arizona Cardinals, 4:05 PM
I don’t have anything valuable to say about this game either.
Arizona over St. Louis
Detroit Lions at San Francisco 49ers, 4:05 PM
I might regret this, but I’m going with the Lions for the upset. They almost toppled the Cardinals last week, and they’re capable of beating a San Francisco team in a funk.
Detroit over San Francisco
New York Jets at Indianapolis Colts, 4:15 PM
The Jets have potential to ruin the Colts’ perfect season in this game, but the Colts might decide to do that themselves. For a couple of weeks now rumors have been swirling that Jim Caldwell and company might sit the starters for the last two games. I just want to say that this is the dumbest thing I’ve heard this season. This goes for any team that has an undefeated streak going in the future. You have the opportunity to have a flawless regular season, and you won’t take it? That’s a slap in the face to the point of football. Yeah, you might not want it distracting you from getting in the way of your goal to get to the Super Bowl, but perfection is unattainable by many more teams than the Super Bowl. Actually, I hope you rest your fucking starters, Jim Caldwell, you mannequin dumbass. The Colts don’t deserve perfection if that’s how they’re going to treat it when they’re presented with the opportunity.
New York over Indianapolis
Denver Broncos at Philadelphia Eagles, 4:15 PM
I’ll probably be getting the Jets-Colts game in my area, but I’d rather watch this game, because it has potential to be a very good one. I give it to the Eagles though.
Philadelphia over Denver
Dallas Cowboys at Washington Redskins, 8:20 PM
The Cowboys will beat the Redskins so badly they’ll leave a Trail of Tears when they drive their bus to the plane home! Too soon?
Dallas over Washington
Minnesota Vikings at Chicago Bears, 8:30 PM
Jay Cutler and interceptions were two things that I wouldn’t have expected to be as frequently connected as they are this year. This turnover problem is not just his fault, as he has proven that he’s a capable quarterback in Denver. Something’s wrong with the Bears, whether it be the offensive line not giving him enough time, the wide receivers running poor routes, or the coaching staff. Hopefully this off-season the Bears can diagnose the problem and return Cutler to a high-caliber quarterback status.
Minnesota over Chicago