You Need To Apologize For Calling Ben Roethlisberger An Alleged Rapist

I don’t know how public I’ve made it, but I despise the Steelers. I’m not even really sure how it started. I think it’s a combination of being a closet Browns fan and also always losing to the Steelers on Madden video games when I was younger. I still can’t explain how Kordell Stewart could tear apart my secondary, regardless of what team I used.

While reading up about this whole Ben Roethlisberger alleged rape-tastic fiasco, I found this column from the Beaver County (heh) Times, written by some guy named Mark Madden. I’m not a very big fan of tearing apart other writers’ work, and I don’t do it often, but the fact that he was demanding fans to apologize to Big Ben made me filled with rage. Enjoy.. or not.

Not too long ago, rumor had it, the Steelers had a quarterback who liked men. You weren’t real comfortable with that.

After doing extensive research (by searching “Steelers gay quarterback,” you get a lot of hits) I found out Madden was talking about Kordell Stewart. Do you know any straight guys named Kordell? Actually, do you know any other person named Kordell?

The current Steelers quarterback likes women. You don’t like that, either. Make up your mind.
Pittsburgh is trying to break barriers by having the first asexual quarterback, obviously.

That’s all Ben Roethlisberger is guilty of: Liking women. It made Joe Namath an icon.
A now-alcoholic joke of an icon.

It’s making Roethlisberger a pariah.
Say WHAAAAAAA!!!!

ESPN says Roethlisberger will not be charged with any crimes when the Ocmulgee Judicial Circuit District Attorney announces his finding regarding Roethlisberger’s night out in Milledgeville, Ga., last month.

Will you be as fast to embrace the law and join it in exonerating Roethlisberger as you were to wax self-righteous when, inexplicably, you turned on the quarterback that won you two Super Bowls?
Yes, but that’s because I hate Roethlisberger irrationally. Let’s get another opinion from someone who didn’t have a premeditated hate for Big Ben. I talked to fellow SSF writer Rovitz, a Lions fan, mainly because I don’t have any friends who are actually Steelers fans and Christmas Ape would take away Sexy Friday for all the KSKers.

Me: Do you think Roethlisberger is a retard/douchebag even if he wasn’t charged with rape?

Rovitz: Yes. How dumb does someone have to be to get accused of the same thing twice in eight months?

For the record, I forgot what the exact charges were, so I said rape. Sexual assault, whatever. I’m not a lawyer.

Probably not. That’s life in the Ben lane. Surely make you lose your mind.
Life in the Ben lane is not very motorcycle-friendly.

America was quick to praise serial adulterer/whoremonger Tiger Woods when he was instantly competitive in the Masters despite tremendous scrutiny after over four months away from competitive golf, ignoring that Woods’ problems were self-inflicted and that team sports athletes have at least four months off between seasons.
That’s because Tiger Woods wasn’t accused of rape (sexual assault, rape is easier to say though) twice in eight months. Sure, he cheated on his wife with scores of women, and that was despicable, but that’s not an actual crime. He never allegedly broke any laws or did anything non-consensual.

Why won’t Pittsburgh get past Roethlisberger’s problems?

The civil suit(s) — one going on two — shouldn’t be a problem. With no criminal cases backing them up, those fall under the heading of “nuisance.”
Being accused of sexually assaulting someone? Why, that’s something to wave your hand at and shoo like a common housefly!

Roethlisberger’s level of performance shouldn’t be a problem. Last campaign, he became the first Steelers quarterback to throw for 4,000 yards in a season.

No, the problem is — and will be — you’ve decided you don’t like Roethlisberger. I’m not minimizing that. Mike Tyson got convicted for rape despite no concrete evidence because a jury liked his victim a lot more than they liked Tyson. With Roethlisberger’s likeability at an all-time low, he should be all the more grateful this case won’t go to trial.
The top three leaders in likeability right now are probably Nnamdi Asomugha, Pierre Thomas, and Charlie Whitehurst, mainly because no one knows enough about them off the field to make any kind of judgement towards their character.

So, you’ve got a guy you don’t like quarterbacking the football team you love. What next?
An receiver notorious for being a dirty player? A fanbase that is despised by the majority of the nation for being front-runners? And I say this being a Patriots fan, so I’m obviously open to hypocrisy.

I don’t sense any change, mainly because I don’t sense Roethlisberger will feel a need to change. Anybody anticipating a public mea culpa, including Steelers management and his teammates, might be waiting a long time, and should be. Why apologize when you’ve done nothing wrong?
A conundrum that Sacco and Vanzetti were stuck in. That turned out well.

It’s unnecessary, akin to an admission. Roethlisberger should keep going out. He likes girls and mostly, girls like him.
Tall, stupid, and drunk. Many Pittsburgh ladies have flicked their bean to his pictures. So sexy.

Ben should just avoid he said, she said situations. Maybe his lawyers could draw up a release form.
“I, __________ (name here) promise to allow access for Mr. Roethlisberger’s penis (KNOWN IN THIS CONTRACT AS BIG BEN PEEPEE) to any and all orifices on my body…”

I don’t expect any punishment from the NFL or the Steelers. What should Roethlisberger be punished for? What part of the NFL’s Personal Conduct Code did he violate? Even the proverbial talking-to will ring hollow.
Because any remaining brain matter that was in Roethlisberger’s head was probably knocked out by this hit.

The minute Roethlisberger is exonerated, he becomes the victim. Mistakenly accused. Tried and convicted in the court of public opinion. Unfairly maligned by the media. Subject to speculated punishment ranging from jail to suspension to unemployment. Those things don’t go away, can’t be unsaid, now that it turns out Roethlisberger didn’t do anything.

Roethlisberger’s detractors won’t agree. “Didn’t do anything?” they will fairly roar. “He obviously did something!”

No, he didn’t. Roethlisberger really is a victim, proof anyone can accuse anyone of practically anything and have it taken seriously.
True. For example, I can accuse you of writing this column as filler and wanting to grab attention to a newspaper who has a slur for “vagina” in the title.

There was never a legitimate case against Roethlisberger. Not a shred.
Not until this inevitably happens in two more months if no one in the Steelers organization takes him aside and tells him to stop fucking around, which you say would be useless anyway.

So, get over it. Ask nice, and maybe Roethlisberger will sign your autograph next time.
(insert “Roethlisberger is retarded joke” here)

Roethlisberger will have a big season. Bet on it. The great ones block out trouble, focus and perform.
The stupid ones do too, because they’re stupid.

It’s going to be awesome. It’s the one thing that can get you even angrier.
He’s talking about hate sex with Roethlisberger. But don’t forget to the sign the release form first.