You might read the title of this post and say, “Hey! Wait a minute! How can a diva wide receiver add fun to my football team?” To that, I say, “The word ‘diva’ is thrown around way too much in the NFL and used for any player who doesn’t immediately bend into the organization’s demands” and also “They don’t.” According to Dave Hyde, however, Brandon Marshall, who is a “diva,” will bring fun, pep, sunshine, chocolate-covered Skittles and a barrel of AWESOME to the Miami Dolphins!
As a warning, not all of this article is going to be scrutinized, for your sanity. Also, the word “diva” appears in Hyde’s roughly 700-word article, including the title, 12 times. Every 58.3 words, get ready for a blast of DIVA in your face!
He showed up wearing a Dolphins cap instead of the beekeeper’s hat that I’d hoped. Then we’d be on to something. He could have said, “There’s so much buzz around me right now I have to wear this.”
Did he really just do that? I know this is just the beginning of the article, but I just want to say that to all the professors I’ve had for English/journalism classes, I’ve had a large amount of them say that puns and cute leads are good. I may not have the same type of experience as them, and they are all very skilled and intelligent people, but to this, I have to say no. NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. These kind of bee-related puns need to get sprayed with pesticide and just die.
“Am I a diva?” Brandon Marshall asked to a question.
Please, please, please, I thought, let him say yes.
This column could already be over if he did.
“Not at all,” he said.
Damn you Brandon Marshall.
This is what South Florida needs to brighten the sports landscape, of course. At least us writers do. And he must be on a team that’s important such as the Dolphins so every day becomes a matter of taking his temperature and measuring everyone’s mood by.
I tried reading this paragraph three times, and still got lost in the last sentence so I ended up thinking that writers are taking the Dolphins’ temperature and measuring Brandon Marshall’s landscape. Let’s go with that.
Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez is a great player, but 30 seconds into any conversation looks at the clock and has somewhere to go. Dwyane Wade is a great player and a great personality, but like most rock-solid franchise players doesn’t move the diva index.
Dwight Howard is a dominant defensive force and an established star, but doesn’t flip over tables when someone gives him Cool Ranch Doritos instead of Nacho Cheese.
Evan Longoria is a young leader who is only on the rise of his baseball careers, but doesn’t stab a reporter in the lung when he asks if the Tampa Bay Ray is related to gorgeous actress (and my dream wife) Eva Longoria.
Come on, guys. Step up your game!
Players from the Florida Panthers, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and Jacksonville Jaguars don’t register on the diva index, since they’re all terrible and no one cares about them.
Holy shit, Hyde. You just tricked me into writing stuff about things that weren’t football on a football blog. Was this your plan all along? I’ve been had! Oh wait, never mind. We’re getting back to the supposed point of this article.
“The term diva receiver, honestly, you want my opinion [what it means]?” Marshall asked.
He laughed here. He was laughing a lot Thursday. If there’s a Good Brandon and a Bad Brandon, as there has been in the past, this was the good one all the way. It’s the one you hope to see all the time.
He already had joked, “Where’s Revis Island?” when a reporter mentioned Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis. He had said, “Are you appointing me the face of the franchise?” when someone mentioned it as fact.
Marshall’s humor is what will get the Dolphins the AFC East title… AND BEYOND! HE IS A FUNNY DIVA!
So he’s got the humor gene. That’s necessary. But a diva goes beyond that. He has to be an elite player, as Marshall is. He has to be a gold-mine quote, which he seems to be. And then there’s the fuller personality.
I feel like at this point, Hyde is trying to basically say that he wants Marshall to be like Terrell Owens or the old Chad Ochocinco. In a couple years, Hyde wants Marshall cut for being an attention whore and a general liability. Oh yeah, he also wants Marshall to spout out classic quotes so that Hyde’s articles will be better.
It’s gotten a bum rap, the diva ideal. Deion Sanders was a diva and the best cover cornerback in the game. Pedro Martinez and Manny Ramirez were divas and look at the fun they brought to Boston (until Manny kept being Manny).
Manny Ramirez wasn’t a diva. He was borderline retarded. I watched that shit unfold. Manny was just an asshole. There was no humor in it when he wanted out.
END HOMER ALERT!
The modern-sports definition of diva is someone who believes — and makes you believe, too — that they are the difference between winning and losing. And occasionally reminds everyone in some outrageous way.
So they make everyone believe they’re what makes your team win, but on top of that, they also remind you on your already established opinion that they’re the only reason your team isn’t a pile of shit. Got it.
This is one of many things that remain to be seen from the trade that can only be labeled Risky Business. Even the Tom Cruise character in that movie put Bill Parcell’s thinking best, with the line, “Sometimes you just have to say, ‘What the …”
I’ve never seen Risky Business, so I’m assuming he says “fuck.” Correct me if I’m wrong.
Marshall might not be exactly the receiver people expect. Not in terms of talent. He’s elite. That’s proven. But his career average of 12.3 yards a catch suggests a constant doubles hitter rather than a home run hitter such as Randy Moss (15.3 yards a catch).
Ah yes, finally the baseball analogies used in the sport of football. Unbelievably annoying because you can’t compare the two. I would make an analogy of how annoying and awkward this technique is, but then I’d have an analogy of an analogy and before my mind explodes let’s just keep going.
Maybe it his quarterbacks. Maybe it was the way he was used. We’ll see soon enough when footballs fly for real. Just like who he really is will have to wait until then.
Yes, the footballs will fly, and Marshall will be catching a ton of 10-yard slot routes, since that’s the only thing either Chad is capable of in Miami.
Only once did he flash the kind of fun diva personality you know is in there. He was asked to rank himself among the receivers in the AFC East. Moss. Santonio Holmes. Braylon Edwards …
“I always thought I was in a league of my own,” he said.
That’s what I’m talking about!
You go, girl!
But he was about making good, first impressions and so talked about his “goal is to be great” and, “I’m not there yet.” No, he’s not. But there’s plenty of time for him in the coming years to tap the inner-diva inside.
There certainly is, Brandon. Crash a couple cars! Turn over a restaurant table when they cook your steak medium rare instead of medium well! Remember when you tried to attack your girlfriend with a brick? Do that again! Unleash your inner diva! MIAMI NEEDS YOUR INEXCUSABLE BEHAVIOR!