Picking At Bits And Pieces of Mark Kiszla

I realize I’ve been picking on columns from the Denver Post a lot recently, but it’s just because they supply an abundant source of batshit commentary that I haven’t seen anywhere else. Maybe I’m not looking hard enough, though. I sent out a cry for any and all terrible columns on Twitter (with a Waka Flocka Flame reference at the end) but still haven’t received anything back. Seriously readers, the NFL offseason is a cruel mistress that tantalizes you every once in a while with big free agent signings and players getting caught doing something stupid/illegal, but at this part of it, it’s pretty boring. I’m not going to cover every single holdout (for many reasons), so send me tips. Anything. Even sirloin tips. That would be delicious and appreciated.

I’m not going to analyze this whole Mark Kiszla column, but like the title says, I’m going to pick at parts of it that will allow me to say something funny after. You all like that game, right? In the words of Waka Flocka Flame (again),

O LETS DO IT

Broncos coach Josh McDaniels hoards quarterbacks the way Lady Gaga buys lingerie: in bulk.

This was Kiszla’s lead. This is a terrible lead. I could take the low road by making some joke “Lady Gaga’s a man and it’s less expensive to cut dick holes in bulk lingerie” joke (I would never, though, that woman’s a saint and her music is as infectious as tuberculosis but I love it) or I could make even better analogies for this lead:

Josh McDaniels hoards quarterbacks the way Mark Chmura stocks up on jewelry from Claire’s: in bulk.

Josh McDaniels hoards quarterbacks the way Brad Childress stocks up on terrible hats: in bulk.

I only made up two, but I’m sure you can all give me your best ones in the comments section. Let’s continue.

If you believe bang for the buck goes a long way toward winning a championship during the salary-cap era, then there’s one quarterback on the Denver roster with an opportunity to pay the biggest return on investment.

His name is Brady Quinn.

Quinn is the quarterback Warren Buffett would buy.

You see, the reason I highlight this is because for some random reason, Kiszla backs up his “Quinn is great” argument by saying tycoon Warren Buffett would buy him. I’m not sure why, I guess it’s because Buffett’s a successful rich bastard, but it’s so random and distracting that I just wanted to point it out. It’s like me saying “Matt Leinart is a great quarterback. You know who would like Matt Leinart? WINSTON CHURCHILL.”

While all the quarterbacks on the Denver roster will smile and spew politically correct banalities about the nature of competition, the truth is Orton has been around too long, wants to get paid too badly and probably has only one more chance to prove himself as a legitimate starter in this league to ever view Tebow as anything except a threat. Help him develop? Yeah, right.

Kyle Orton’s been around for five seasons. He was drafted in 2005. That’s too long? How can you say a guy who’s 27 and has a career TD-INT of 51-39 (21-12 with Denver) is already past his prime and will never be a legitimate starter? JaMarcus Russell was given more patience than Orton, and the only thing he can throw is food wrappers in the trash. [edit: This used to say that Orton was drafted 10th overall, but he was actually drafted fifth in the fourth round. Sorry.]

“I’m not some vindictive jerk like that,” Quinn says. “I try to bring guys along.”

This isn’t Kiszla’s fault, and is taken out of context, but COME ON BRADY QUINN DON’T MAKE IT THAT EASY FOR GAY JOKES.

For the here and now, anybody else think the best way for the Broncos to win is Quinn?

No. You just wrote this because “win” rhymes with Quinn and you just wanted to say that at the end of your column, and also because Orton and Tebow don’t rhyme with “win,” or any synonyms of “win” that I can think of. I’m onto your games, Kiszla.