Flipping through NFL rosters, there is a vast number of names which use three vowels in a row, or maybe none at all. There are first names that sound like the parents took a bunch of magnets from a refrigerator and let them fall in some kind of odd order. From each team, I have selected the best name that you will see in a uniform this year.
Here are some factors I keep in mind while choosing:
-Number of words
-If it makes you sound like a badass or not
Some players in this list might start at their position, while others might ride the bench. These are the best names from each AFC team. The NFC edition will be coming soon after.
Felton Huggins, WR
What a great start to this list. Felton Huggins is definitely the name for a 70s-era detective series, with a groovy funk theme song. Definitely has a monkey in a vest for a sidekick who is really good with gadgets, while getting Felton into sticky situations. I bet Detective Huggins has a gruff, yet caring boss who frequently has bursts of outrage when Huggins racks up great amounts of money in damages after chasing criminals. His boss probably breaks the door down and yells, “FELLLLLLTONNNNNNNNN!!”
SirVincent Rogers, T
SirVincent’s parents thought ahead for the kid, giving him the title “Sir” already in his name. He didn’t even have to slay any dragons or anything! My question is this: say Rogers commits an act of heroism in the United Kingdom. If he gets dubbed a knight, does he become Sir SirVincent Rogers? Or do they just make a space and make him Sir Vincent Rogers? Save a child from an oncoming double-decker or something, SirVincent! Confuse the Royal Family!
New England Patriots
Le Kevin Smith, DT
I think it’s French, for The Kevin Smith. Very narcissistic. A clever premise though, take a common name and add some kind of cultural prefix onto it. I bet he drinks his Gatorade with his pinky out.
New York Jets
D’Brickashaw Ferguson, T
I don’t even know where to begin with this name. The apostrophe adds a nice piece of flair to his incomprehensible name. To try and understand this moniker better, let’s take away the “D'” for a second. Brickashaw. I give up. I can’t decipher this name at all. You win this round, Ferguson.
Xavier Adibi, OLB
Not a strong showing from the Texans name-wise, so I deferred to one of the main rules of awesome names… When in doubt, go with Xavier. It’s always been a badass name. X’s and Z’s may be so 1990s, but they’re still winners in my book.
Mike Tauiliili, LB
There are four I’s in the span of six letters in his last name. I almost fall into a seizure trying to distinguish the two of them stuck together in the middle. His last name makes my brain hurt. I won’t even dare trying to pronounce it.
George Hypolite, DT
For some reason I’m enamored by his last name. Hypolite sounds like a type of aluminum baseball bat, or something that Billy Mays (RIP) would try to sell you. “HI THERE BILLY MAYS HERE! ARE YOU SICK OF NORMAL LIGHTS THAT AREN’T BRIGHT ENOUGH??? TRY HYPOLITE, THE NEW LIGHT THAT IS MORE POWERFUL AND WILL MELT YOUR EYEBALLS WITH AWESOME! IF IT DOESN’T MELT YOUR EYEBALLS, I GUARANTEE I’LL GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY BACK!”
Tie between Craphonso Thorpe, WR, and DeMarcus Faggins, CB
Due to my immature mind, I couldn’t choose a winner between these two. The only way to make it better would be to combine both of their names: Craphonso Faggins. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be shooting milk out of my nose at the lunch table in the cafeteria now.
Everette Pedescleaux, DE
If this name could have any more French in it, it would be wearing a beret and eating snails. This dude sounds like a soldier who writes letters to home from the French Revolution. Then a bunch of historians collected them and put them in a history book. The Diary of Everette Pedescleaux. Bonus points for the less-used silent pronunciation of the “x” at the end.
Kansas City Chiefs
Eric Ghiaciuc, C
Another last name that cannot be pronounced correctly. Ghiaciuc sounds like someone’s coughing up a piece of food. GHIACIUC! That sandwich went down the wrong pipe! I pity the telemarketers that call these players to try and sell some long distance service.
Stryker Sulak, DE
His first name ranks very high in the “Fucking Badass” category. Last name is unintelligible, which is good. Adds more mystique and makes the full name more epic. The dude sounds like a Transformer, and Jay Bilas said he had a “good motor.” Oh ho! Fuck you, that was funny.
San Diego Chargers
Dan Gay, T
Short, simple, and immaturely funny. I really hope he has a brother named Ben.
Haruki Nakamura, FS
Not a weird name, really, but it’s rare to find Japanese players. Fun fact: Haruki’s mom and dad were both black belts in judo, and his brothers and sister are very competitive in international judo.
Rex Hadnot, G
Rex is always a cool first name, unless your last name is Grossman. For some reason, the “Hadnot” last name got me. I guess Rex’s parents “Hadnot” really thought that well about naming their child! Hey-o! Give me a break.
A.Q. Shipley, C
Shipley’s name reminds me of an author that would write about the socio-economic impact of the Prohibition in the early 1900s, following a womanizing protagonist and his escapades, all while providing scathing wit and commentary that is relevant to events in today’s life. Initials are always an intellectual boost, unless the letter “J” is at the end. See: DJ, TJ, RJ.
Chad Ochocinco, WR
Don’t act like you didn’t see this coming. Quite possibly one of the best names in the NFL, period. Changing your last name to your uniform shows commitment to your team, and also results in cool jerseys that will end up on Straight Cash Homey in five or six years.
Well, that’s it for the AFC. Stay tuned for the NFC edition, and mention any names you think were unjustly omitted in the comments below.