Following up on the AFC Edition of great players’ names this season in the NFL, here is the NFC Edition for your viewing pleasure.
Just to recap, here are some of the things I look for in a name:
-Number of words
-If it makes you sound like a badass or not
Enjoy the best names in the NFC.
Asaph Schwapp, FB
Probably the weakest team in this group. Asaph Schwapp isn’t even that cool of a name, it just sounds weird. Fuck it, I’m giving this honor to Pacman Jones, even though he doesn’t even play there anymore. Congratulations, Pacman.
New York Giants
Guy Whimper, T
On highlights with this guy laying a defensive player out with a pancake block, look for Chris Berman to get all literary and say, “The world will end, not with a bang but a GUY WHIMPER WOW LOL ZOMG FOOTBAWL!!1”
King Dunlap, T
What’s with parents naming their kids after titles of honor? First SirVincent Rogers, and now King? You really just went to the top of the monarchy, huh? If this keeps up, in a couple of years, there will be a kid named Prezident. Which is actually sort of cool.
H.B. Blades, OLB
This might be one of the most badass last names ever. Blades? Your last name is a fucking weapon. “Coming this summer… The world needs… someone sharp. H.B. BLADES. COMING SOON TO THEATERS NEAR YOU.”
Will Ta’ufo’ou, RB
Holy apostrophes, Batman. There are only two consonants in that last name. VOWELGASM. I don’t even know how to not pronounce that correctly. I’m just going to call you Will.
Ramzee Robinson, CB
“Honey, let’s name our boy Ramsey.”
“Wait, isn’t that a last name?”
“Shit, you’re right. Alright, let’s change a couple letters around so it doesn’t look like a real word so no one will make fun of him for having a last name for a first name, but instead not having a real name.”
“Sounds good. Let’s also still use checks to pay for things and do other things that are aggravating to the general public.”
Green Bay Packers
Atari Bigby, SS
Naming your son after a video game system makes you either the biggest nerds or the coolest parents ever. I can’t wait for the first football player named Nintendo Jones. He seems like he’d be a third or fourth-round pick.
Keith Zinger, TE
Another player susceptible to stupid Sportscenter puns whenever he makes the highlight real. “That was a real KEITH ZINGER! Making that stupid pun totally justifies my salary! Boo-yah!”
Captain Munnerlyn, CB
Someone should inform the Panthers that a shipleader from the 1800s somehow manage to sneak onto their roster. “Captain Munnerlyn and His Seafaring Tales.” After every interception he probably slaps a wench.
New Orlean Saints
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Stylez G. White, DE
A classic name. Formerly known as Greg White, he changed his name to a character from the movie “Teen Wolf.” Bill Simmons then promptly shit himself.
Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, CB
You make jersey makers cry. Also, your parents are hippies for giving you a hyphenated name. Loser.
St. Louis Rams
C.J. Ah You, DE
San Francisco 49ers
Arnaz Battle, WR
The first name is awesome, the last name makes it even better. This dude would be perfect for the Raiders. Start wearing spikes on your shoulder pads and helmet, Arnaz. Or look like this dude.
T.J. Houshmandzadeh, WR
Probably one of my favorite real names, and it inspired a hilarious commercial as well.
I hope you enjoyed 32 really weird names in the NFL. Now when your favorite team starts tanking, you can root behind the player with 4 Z’s in his name. Thanks for reading.