It’s that time of the off-season again! To get over the woes of no football, I embark on a two-post journey to find the player with the best name on each of the 32 teams in the NFL. Today we start with the AFC, and sooner or later the NFC post will come up.
To refresh your memory, these are the criteria used in deciding what the best name on a team is:
-Number of words
-If it makes you sound like a badass or not
Ha. Wang. There was very little competition in the Bills roster, so I decided to go with the puerile pick. Also, please look at Wang’s glorious hair.
When I hear this name, I think of a really fat Pacific guy. Does that make me racist, or accurate? The correct answer is racist, because Lumbala is listed as 238 pounds and doesn’t look Samoan in the least. I really hope he has a brother named Poly.
New England Patriots
No contest here on the New England roster. His nickname is “Space Emperor.” Do you think of anything but sci-fi when you hear his name? Mesko’s parents were probably watching Star Wars when his mother went into labor. His name starts with a “Z” and he’s really easy to find on Facebook.
New York Jets
What an ancient name. He sounds like a forgotten author who published two novels you’re totally going have to read in AP English in high school. Butler was also part of the UFL champion Las Vegas Locomotives. Nice, bro.
“Sherrick McManis? Why, Sherrick McManis is only the greatest Irish bare-knuckle boxer who ever lived! At a tussle in The Pig’s Foot last week, he gave ol’ Elijah MacDuffy what he deserved after connecting with a jab to the gut followed by a screaming uppercut to his chin! My, what a donnybrook!”
There were some good choices on this Indianapolis team (like Marlon Favorite or Andrew Tyshovnytsky) but I decided to go with Angerer because his last name sounds like something the Hulk with a learning disability would say. “You wouldn’t like me when I get angerer!!”
If that doesn’t sound like the best porn stage name for a guy, I don’t know what is. Well, at least you have some other job opportunities if it doesn’t work out with the Jaguars.
The simplicity of it just gets me. One of the most common last names in the world, but… that first name. It’s not even his real name, but Rusty Smith is a name for a winning quarterback. He’ll win a Super Bowl in three years.
When I saw this name, I thought that “Baraka” sounded really familiar. I went on Google and realized that Baraka’s the name of that thing from Mortal Kombat! I don’t think those blades are allowed on the field.
Let me also mention the strength of Denver’s great names. Last year’s participant, Le Kevin Smith, is on the team, as well as Zane Beadles (radio name), Dicky Lyons, Jr. (there’s a Dicky Lyons Sr.??) and Syd’Quan Thompson (I don’t even know what to say).
Kansas City Chiefs
Easy, easy choice. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, allow me to introduce you to an awesome actor and general all-around badass.
San Diego Chargers
Try pronouncing that without looking. I dare you. All his teachers probably hated him.
Not a strong group of names from Baltimore. This was the best one I could find. He sounds like a minor character in a political thriller.
This doesn’t even sound like a real quarterback name. It’s so stereotypical that it can’t be true. But it is, and for that I am happy.
It looks like someone’s parents mixed up the first and last name boxes. Even if it was Sylvester Stevenson, it would still be a great name.
What an awesome name, and a great marketing opportunity. I really hope he likes ice cream, because with that name he could get a lifetime supply if he signed a sponsorship with Friendly’s or Breyer’s.
That’s it for the AFC part. If you want to argue that someone else deserved to be the best name on their team, leave it in the comments. Stay tuned for the NFC edition coming your way soon.