To conclude the two-part series of best names in the NFL, here’s the AFC edition.
Here are the criteria for deciding the best names:
-Number of words
-If it makes you sound like a badass or not
Is it unfair for me to choose someone who played at the University of New Hampshire? Probably, but I don’t see any other awesome names on the Cowboys’ roster.
New York Giants
A very good porn name that also sounds a little painful.
If he turns into a breakout wide receiver for the Eagles, expect a lot of tired Old School jokes, especially playing “Dust In The Wind” whenever he gets hurt on the field.
What a very European last name. It sounds like the name of a tank used in World War I. “The Lichtensteiger has two cannons and is able to travel on any terrain. It uses four bags of coal per mile.”
Major Wright makes me think of Major Payne, which was a funny movie (when I was seven). Oh Damon Wayans, you and your 74 brothers are hilarious.
I was originally going to go with Ndamukong Suh (a great example of poor balance of letters between the first and last names) but decided to go with this lineman with the same name as that MLB player! This guy probably gets tons of jokes directed at his hustle and such. Or maybe it’s the same guy? His listed weight on the Lions’ roster checks out (326 pounds).
Green Bay Packers
This guy has an unstoppable hunger on the field… for BRAAIIIINNNNSSSS!
He’s got a great name for a wrestling heel if he doesn’t succeed in the NFL. That’s all I’m saying.
We’ve got a contender for Greatest Serial Killer Name of the Year here! Look at that haircut. It makes Jake Delhomme look stylish.
ALLITERATION MULTIPLIER!! What a great journalism name. His picture on his profile just screams intelligent, too.
New Orlean Saints
Most immature name? It fit two slurs for genitalia in seven letters! That’s talent.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I wish I could just choose Stylez G. White again, but that’s not fair. Instead, I went with Biggers, whose name really isn’t that great, but there wasn’t a lot to choose from.
Last year it was Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, and this year, it’s another huge hyphenated name. Arizona Cardinals jersey makers must be the most depressed people in the United States.
St. Louis Rams
Come on, that’s not even fair to anyone. His driver’s license probably doesn’t fit in a regular wallet. Fact: I didn’t even try to type his name into the post. I just copied and pasted it because it would take me an hour.
San Francisco 49ers
Definitely a broadcasting name. “Here’s the five-day forecast with your weatherman Brian De La Puente.”
Cool Spanish fact: “puente” means bridge, so his name is literally “Brian of the Bridge.” Nice.
If your first name has “gold” in it, you will definitely be in this post, and will also result in a winner. WINNERS ARE MADE OF GOLD.
I hope you had fun reading names that are the bane of jersey makers. There are certainly many more names that are hilarious to read or say out loud, so if you think of any that deserved the spot on their team, leave them in the comments. Thanks for reading.